


Home

by Arsenal



Series: Buddie Fics [3]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Buck fixes everything, Eddie is seriously depressed in this one, Friends to Lovers, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I dont know how to write, M/M, anger issues, buddie, his abandonment issues are bad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-15
Updated: 2019-11-15
Packaged: 2021-01-31 11:24:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21445441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arsenal/pseuds/Arsenal
Summary: A narration of Eddie's thoughts and feelings through recent events. Eventually he reaches the point where he breaks and Buck has to put him back together.Very dark and angsty with a happy ending.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Series: Buddie Fics [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1544842
Comments: 13
Kudos: 215





	Home

**Author's Note:**

> This is literally just my ramblings from 3 am and not my usual writing style, so there may be mistakes. I'll go back and fix them later.
> 
> Find me on Tumblr as Buckely118

Eddie has trust issues. They had started long before what had happened with Shannon, but she’d made them worse. Whenever people came into his life he never expected them to stay or be in it for long. That was especially what it was like in the army. One moment someone was there, the next they had been re-stationed or shot. He was always friendly but as time passed he taught himself never to get attached, it would prevent the pain. It didn't matter if people said they wouldn't go, eventually everyone always would. 

Then came along Buck. The man had slipped his way into both Eddies life and heart so much more than he intended to let him. He broke his rule and got attached. It never scared him though because despite his friend never saying anything of the sort, he trusted him never to go. He always felt so sure that Buck would always be there for him. 

Even after he lost Christopher in the tsunami Eddie trusted him more than he had anyone ever before. He could see how much is meant to Buck when he told him that too, and Eddie thought that they were good. They were solid. Their relationship was all Eddie had ever wanted in his life but was afraid to have.

Then Buck left him. He left Christopher too. It was like Shannon all over again but even worse. Because he had a connection and closeness with him that he'd never had with Shannon. Someone who connected with his son too and that loved him just as much as a father would. He trusted him so much that he never saw it coming. He had thought Buck would never do anything to hurt him and he'd been wrong.

So Eddie went back to not trusting anyone. To keeping his distance from the 118, from Carla and his abuela. Even from Christoper, not because he didn't trust him, but because he didn't want to hurt him. He didn't want his son to see him like this, he was supposed to be the strong one for him. But he'd been and idiot and let himself get torn apart by someone again.

That just left him angry. So angry at the world for giving him what he'd always wanted and then taking it away. Maybe he hadn't deserved it. Deep down he'd always felt that he was a fuck up. So when Bosko gave him a place to let it all out he did. It was better to get it out somewhere that wasn’t work or at home.

The ring was the only place he could forget. Forget about what Shannon had done, what Buck had done, what he had done. The pain that would ripple through him every time he took a hit felt good, it felt right. As if he was finally being punished for all the wrong he'd done. It knocked every thought clean out of his head and just left him a shell of a person filled with rage.

There was no Eddie in the ring, there was just a body going through the motions. Taking the pain and dishing it back out. Eventually he didn't even want to go home anymore, he didn't want to leave the ring. He didn't want to be Eddie anymore. He hated Eddie.

Of course then Buck came back and he was hit with a sense of dread instead of joy. Shannon had come back and he thought they could be good again. Then she'd gone and made it even worse. So Eddie was cold to him and he told himself he didn't care. He couldn’t do it again.

Every day Buck kept looking at him with those sad eyes and he tried to ignore it but it hurt him to the core inside. When Buck finally approached him he couldn't stop himself from saying he forgave him. He hadn't lied either, he forgave him for the lawsuit, for telling the lawyer about Shannon, for all of that. The one thing he just couldn't quite forgive him for though was leaving. 

He keeps that part to himself and is glad he does when he gets to hug Buck. He missed Bucks strong arms, his cheery smile, the way he smelled. Buck felt like home and that was something Eddie had never had. He never felt like he had a place in Texas, or with Shannon, so he ran and tried to find a home in the military. That had been far from the answer and when he’d come back it had felt even less like home than before. So he took Chris and they moved to LA, which still hadn't felt like home for so long, not until Buck. But he’s still scared now and that makes him angry.

When he almost kills a man and pulls that piece of cartilage out of his throat, it doesn’t phase him. After Bosko talks to him, after Bobby talks to him, he still wants to fight. He _ needs _to get it out. But when he tries, he's not welcome anymore. He's the guy that called the cops. He's a rat. Once again, he doesn’t belong.

If his neighbors hear him stand in his driveway and scream into the night sky in the rain, they never say anything. When he goes inside, a small trail of water dripping after him, it hits the man how alone he is in that moment. Christopher is with his abuela for the weekend because he thought he'd be fighting every night. He misses his sons smile. Misses him shouting 'daddy' when he comes home. It was his own fault though.

As he lays down in bed and stares at the ceiling in the dark he tells himself that he'll fix the hole he punched in the wall in the morning. There's still plaster and paint in the garage from the time that Buck put a hole through it trying to build an Ikea bookcase. He swallows and feels tears welling in his eyes as he thinks of the younger man. Sleep doesn’t come easily, but he embraces the darkness of it.

The next morning when his alarm goes off, Eddie can't make himself move to turn it off. He lays there listening to the shrill sound for a good 15 minutes before hurling his phone across the room at the wall. It finally stops ringing, but he can hear his neighbor mowing the lawn and the birds outside chirping and he longs for silence. He pulls the blankets over his head and goes back to sleep.

When he wakes up again, he peers out from the covers and sees that his clock says its 1pm. His shift started at 9 am. He glances at his phone on the floor in the corner but can't make himself move to get it. He shuts his eyes again when it starts to ring. He doesn't care.

When he opens his eyes this time it's because he hears the front door opening. That wasn't right, his abuela and Chris weren't supposed to be back until Monday. He lays there on his back and waits, listening for any other noise, finally hearing slow footsteps coming down the hallway.

When his bedroom door opens, Buck's sad blue eyes are looking at him, the keys to Eddie's house still clenched in his left hand. The older man waits for him to shout at him for not coming in to work or answering his phone, or maybe even the fighting. Someone had to have passed that along to Buck by this point. However, the blonde simply walks over and sits down on the edge of his bed, reaching a hand out to put on his shoulder. The contact feels good.

"You shouldn't be here," he croaks out, cringing at how his voice sounds.

Buck makes a small hum sound and kicks his shoes off, pulling his legs onto the bed and shoving them under the covers. It was clear he wasn't planning on going.

"What are you gonna do about it?" He asked, raising a challenging eyebrow as he laid down next to him.

Eddie sighs, but he's happy his friend is so stubborn. He doesn't want him to go. He wants to hold him. He wants to not feel alone.

Buck's extra sense must have picked up what he was feeling, because a pair of strong arms suddenly are wrapped around him and his nose is filled with the familiar scent of Buck. He buries himself into it, unable to feel ashamed in his condition. One of his friend’s hands moves up into his short hair and begins to stroke it soothingly.

"I was worried about you. We all were," he murmurs into the top of his head.

"I'm sorry-" he starts to say but Buck interrupts him.

"Cap told me about what's been going on with you. I'm not mad, I just think you're an idiot. Which I already knew. But god, I wish you had just talked to me Eddie. You know I'm here for you."

The thing was, Eddie would have thought that previously, but now he wasn’t so sure anymore. He stays silent for a moment, frustration bubbling to the surface again. This time he says what he’s been holding onto.

“No, you left me.”

He hears Buck suck a small breath of air in above him and waits.

“I was just trying to get back to you,” he finally says softly, “I didn’t mean to go.”

“But you did,” he reminds him, unable to stop the hurt from filling his voice.

Warm hands gently tug his face up to make him look at his friend, and he sees how wet Buck’s eyes look.

“I- I uh… I love you Eddie,” Buck stutters, a light blush crossing his cheeks, “I know that I can't take back what I did, but I’m sorry. No matter how hard the universe ever tries to separate us, I will always come back to you. There's nothing that could stop me. Not now, not in 20 years. Not being crushed by a fire truck, not a pulmonary embolism, not a tsunami, not a lawsuit. You’re my home Eddie.”

Eddie felt all of the crushing weight on him dissipate as he absorbed the blonde’s words. No more anger, no more fear. He ignores all of the ‘what ifs’ that want to swarm his head and chooses to believe Evan. Maybe he never stopped trusting him. He leans his forehead against his friends and smiles.

“I love you too, Evan.”

“We’ll figure this out together, okay? You helped me through what I was going through, now let me help you.”

Eddie nods and closes the small distances between their lips for a soft gentle kiss. He feels Buck smile into it, stubble lightly brushing his face. He still doesn’t want to get out of bed now, but this time it’s for a different reason. The endless sense of hopelessness is gone, instead a sense of belonging filling him. A sudden realization cuts his thoughts short though.

“Shouldn’t you be at work?” he asks, breaking away from the kiss in concern.

“I took the rest of the day off, Bobby understood.”

“So we can just stay in bed all day?” he asks, feeling almost childish.

Buck laughs at him, and the sound warms him. He never wants to stop listening to it.

“Yeah sure, dude. You gotta eat something, and maybe take a shower,” he says wiggling his eyebrows at him, “but besides that we can do whatever you want.”

He wants to scream at Buck that he loves him a million times, but instead just stares at him dumb struck at how perfect he is. He is happy to be Eddie again.

**Author's Note:**

> This is not an established relationship, Buck is just a ballsy shit that climbs into bed with people.
> 
> Please leave kudos and comment your thoughts if you enjoyed :D


End file.
